Hey pretty baby

it's been a long time since I heard your voice on the phone

Are you missing me now that you're alone?

You know, it's been a long time since I saw that look in your eyes,

that one the kept me so alive

Tonight I heard "I'm sorry" for the millionth time

and tonight I'll let it go, I'll let it slide

Just like I always did

I miss the way you held me close

come on pretty baby, we'll take it slow

we'll pretend we're still in love

Just until the sun comes up

Pretty baby, have I told you lately, just how much I've missed you?

The dark is never ending, I could go on forever.
Just drive and drive, never stop.
Get away from everything.
The headlights pierce the darkness and I follow where ever it leads.
The lake was beautiful in the moonlight.
The intoxication was obvious on your breath.
I couldn’t let you touch me because it physically hurts.
I just can’t let you get too close.
Because I just can’t take it again.
Couldn’t stand knowing I fell a second time.
Walk into a sleeping house, darkened with shadows taking on eerie shapes.
Paralyzed by the haunting melody that plays on the invisible breeze.
I just want to sleep forever so I don’t have to deal with this.
Double vision.
Seeing in strobe.
I’m getting dizzy and I’m stumbling.
This note written in the darkest ink is burning a hole in my back pocket.
It speaks of second chances.
Chances that aren’t deserved.
My stomach is flipping itself end over end.
I lean against the wall for support and end up on the floor.
I almost never want to get up again.
This is too much, what you said was overdone and overrated.
You ruined the apology with an excuse,
“I just didn’t know how much you meant until you didn’t need me anymore….”
You mean until I had someone else?
I cried all the way home, tears still hot on my cheeks.
It hurts to breathe.
Gravity pressing down on me and I can’t move.
Pins and needles everywhere.
Every muscle tense and I’ve got an odd feeling.
You said the words, looking me in the eyes
I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I walked away.
I just can’t give you another chance to break me,
to rip me apart
to shatter my heart.
And to think……I used to believe in love…..
-----
Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest & it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you- and-rips-you-apart pain.
---

I've got someone I care about so much.
But I don't think I will ever be able to say that stupid word ever again.
I just don't believe in it anymore.
it got ruined for me.
It's so hard to try again....but I'm trying with everything I've got.
I can't help but feel it's not fair to him because I can't give him all of me....

so.
today I got a tattoo.
I am a tough girl.
I love it.

things are going ok.....they aren't perfect but....I guess nothing ever is.

18 and....I'm not sure how i feel about that yet.

getting your heartbroken sucks.
but I'll live.
I haven't lost him totally yet.

isn't it weird how when you're younger you think about what it would be like to be 18.....?

and then you finally get there and it just seems like time went way too fast.....

my birthday is next friday on the 16th.

I still don't have a car.....but I'm ok with that cause I don't have to drive in the snow.

I'm still on court supervision for my ticket.

I'm still with randy.....and hoping it stays that way.



I just called and made an appointment to get a tattoo.....

I can buy cigarrettes and porn.....

but I probably won't buy the porn.....maybe just once because I can.

Hopefully.....this year will be better than the last two have been......

I totaled my car.

about 5 hours ago.

I flipped it......a lot.

240 ft off the road....I'm sure that's a record somewhere.

no one was with me.

I didn't hit anyone else.

no one else was even envolved.

Ended up on it's roof.

Broke just about every damn thing in it that could break........with the exception, thankfully, being myself.

I'm alive....I have no idea how.

and I didn't break anything.....I should have.

scrapes and bruises....a lot of them mind you....and only one ticket for 75 bucks...but I"d say I got damn lucky.

I feel like I dreamed it almost.


1. scariest thing ever.

2. the 'slow motion' thing.....that's true.

3. you'll always remember the exact moment you knew what was going to happen.

4. you'll always know exactly what you thought right before everything becomes a blur.

5. you'll find out quick who really cares........and who's going to be there for you.

6. when you're strapped down to a gurney in an ambulance and someone's looking down at you and holding your hand.......the eyes say it all.....

7. tonight when he said the words, they hit me hard........and I'll never doubt them again.



a verse from a song that I haven't heard in about a year keep playing over and over in my head.....

late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel lift me up
and i open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
they flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and i am gone